The Tender Thing Underneath the Resistance

I'm heading to Mexico for a weeklong yoga retreat in a few days, which I've been looking forward to all year. 

But for the last four months I've been struggling with a chest/shoulder injury that's been majorly limiting my mobility. I've hardly had basic functionality, much less been downward dogging.

Through these months my mind has been feverishly grasping at solutions that would allow me to move freely enough to enjoy yoga flows next week. Three doctors, two chiropractors, two physical therapists, one acupuncturist, one x-ray, one MRI, four potential diagnoses later and…

Now two days out from the retreat's start, the issue has not been at all resolved. 

But an insight popped into my mind the other day: 

I don't need this shoulder issue to REsolve. 

I need my resistance to it to DISsolve. 

And I recognized in that moment something I hadn't seen consciously yet: 

That I've been going through a version of commonly cited stages of grief these past few months. 

There's been denial (I'm sure this will heal itself within a few weeks).

Plenty of anger.

Bargaining (Maybe if I just do this movement this way, I can still handle it). 

The downward depressive tug of the thought that this could be the new normal for my body.

And I've only just recently started dipping a toe through the doorway of acceptance that this may be a longer healing process than I'd anticipated, and one through which I'm going to have to keep surrendering control.

Not full acceptance, mind you — no enlightened transcendence on this one here ;) — but even a few degrees more acceptance give us a few degrees more peace, right? 

But here's the thing:

Yes, once we internally accept whatever's happening in a given moment we no longer need our external situation to change in order to feel OK, content or at peace. 

But we don't usually arrive into that space of acceptance without first going through some layers of resistance and grief. 

And that grief can be sparked by even the loss of something that the logical mind wants to dismiss as too small to warrant deep feeling.

But know that whatever you're feeling is valid, and offer yourself as much self-compassion and grace as you can muster when you notice lots of contractive resistance arising within you. 

That resistance is likely a sign that there's something tender underneath it that's asking for some warm, gentle exploration and care.

As for me, I'll be breathing my way through whatever shows up as my practice on retreat next week.

Lots of Love,

Melissa

PS - If you’re curious about exploring these themes in a sweetly personalized way, be in touch about 1:1 coaching possibilities.